Here we are again. Hurtling, head first towards the full stop at the end of another year. A year filled with all kinds of traumas, tragedies and hopefully some semblance of positive transformation. As storefronts and streetlamps start donning the familiar face of capitalist Mr Claus, Mariah Carey starts defrosting after another year in hibernation only to chart with a Christmas banger that probably nets her more money than most of us will see in a lifetime. A time filled with the wonders and joys of the festive season when temperatures soar, and our coastal towns are somewhat begrudgingly flooded by GP number plate after GP number plate. The festive season is supposed to be the season of giving. A time for family time and togetherness, but let’s be honest here, festive fun very quickly and very often turns into festive family fuckery.
Look, family dynamics can be complex, really complex, even within the context of a nuclear family (parents and their children). I am positive that I piss my parents off enough that they would like to punch me in the throat occasionally. Still, the introduction of extended family and the complexities that may carry, well, it’s a wonder families aren’t at each other’s throats more often.
Familial situations are complex because individuals are inherently emotionally quite complex. We interact with each other, wounded by our fears, insecurities and baggage, expecting there to be care and space and understanding from family that, at the end of the day, is forced on us, not chosen. This doesn’t even consider that it has become very apparent that the generational gap and the factor it plays on many tricky-to-navigate touching points can often lead to frustrating interactions. A younger generation finds themselves with the self-imposed moral responsibility to educate their elders on why their views or opinions are problematic, outdated or factually incorrect, only to be met by elders who often dismiss the views and opinions of younger (usually) more inclusive members of the family without taking the time to internalise the concerns from a generation they have seemingly already deemed to be too soft.
Now, I can’t speak about all the different kinds of festive family dramas. Simply put, the scope of this kind of topic is too vast and complex. At the end of the day, family traumas are often linked to personal traumas. Individual issues range hopelessly too far and wide in severity and context that it would be irresponsible to try to cover them in a single article. Instead, what I think would be far more helpful is a little crash course on some tips and techniques to at least survive through the potential turmoil. It’s not about being selfish, it’s about self-care.
Another strategy that is absolutely crucial in managing festive time family fuckery is setting up clear and communicated boundaries. Is there a family member that just rubs you the wrong way? Well, clearly communicate to them and those around you that these are your boundaries in terms of topics of conversation and/or actions and that these boundaries (within reason) are unnegotiable. We all come with our own internalised baggage, and that is something that should also be respected.
Often when tensions are high, we can lose sight of what we are all there for. However strange it may sound, remind yourself and those around you why you all got together over the festive period. Meet up with people that you WANT to, to celebrate and create lasting, hopefully, beautiful memories.
Most importantly, of all, put yourself first. Remember earlier when I talked about self-care and self-love? Prioritise that. If there’s a family member that makes you feel uncomfortable, unsafe or any negative emotion for that manner, fuck them. We don’t get to pick our families, and I don’t think we should be forced to like them. You and your own well-being should be put first.
I know some people are dreading this upcoming festive flair. Dreading seeing their parents, grandparents or that one Oom that really gets way too friendly. Dreading the expectation to put on a smile and spend time with people they don’t necessarily like very much away for a getaway or in a place that is starting to feel less and less like home. But here’s to hoping that you and I both can use some of these strategies to not only survive this holiday season but hopefully grow and even thrive. It’s been a long two years, damn, it’s been a long life, and I simply won’t accept family (of all things) fucking up our well-deserved end-year break. Family drama can often make you feel like an extra in a soap opera, but I guess that’s just another day in our lives.
Published: 14 December 2022
Written by: Casey Delport
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